think twice. think as many times as you want. just think about me.

also....

2007-10-21T09:51:29Z

i think that I've decided that siamese dream is the soundtrack to my entire life as of now. jesus. it's uncanny and amazing. maybe include a couple mellon collie tracks.... but otherwise that's pretty much it.

fiatcremor @ 2006-11-15T08:06:00

2006-11-15T12:06:09Z

chicago is a rough city, man.

fiatcremor @ 2006-07-08T05:25:00

2006-07-08T09:29:08Z

summer is amazing. sunny days are amazing.

fiatcremor @ 2006-05-30T05:03:00

2006-05-30T09:11:03Z

i should have been a sailor. at least the drink says I should've.

i thought about it the summer before I went to college. this program where you somehow get college credit and you work on like a huge sailing ship for the whole summer while going from something like boston to cuba and back or something ridiculous. like 14 sails. many masts. it would've been fucking great and beautiful. unless (until) the boat wrecked, of course. which probably would've happened. i think my life is only fit for things to be like that. i'm slowly accepting it though.

fuck it. i'm going to the beach tomorrow. i need a fucking sunny day. and by that, i mean that I need to enjoy one.

fiatcremor @ 2006-05-01T00:29:00

2006-05-01T04:30:20Z

push the walls open.
I wanna see my memories bleed.

don't bury me... i'm still not dead.

2006-04-04T22:50:24Z

somehow everything I do just ends up slapping me in the goddamn face, and i'm fucking sick of it. i'm sick of this place. i'm sick of being too honest to keep myself out of stupid situations that happen over and over again. there have been great times. there still are plenty of them. but this is getting fucking old. very fast. i wish i could get everyone in a room, and tell them "get over yourselves because you're not that fucking great. nothing is fun with you anymore. nothing is funny with you anymore. have a blast digging your own fucking miserable grave for the rest of your life or give me a call when your heart softens up again. because i can't sit around watching the people closest to me throw away selfless friendship and forgiveness and love and honesty when they're the ones that i discovered it with. you can all go down with this ship. you'll find me overboard." and I realize that we can't all be around each other as much or have as many good times as we did when we were all together. I just want everyone to stop being so fucking mean and cold, because I'm the one who gets trampled when I'm not.

thingsi'vemissed:laughingdrivingtalkingtilldawnjammingasongasloudasIcanstandwhilesinging(yelling)you

2006-03-29T09:22:01Z

it's good to feel alive.

And I could take another hit for you
And I could take away the trips from you
And I could take away the salt from your eyes
Take away skin and salt in you
And I could give you my apologies
By handing over my neologies
And I could take away your shaky knees
And I could give you all the olive trees

And look at the trees
look at my face
and look at a place far away from here...

So give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood, your bones, your voice, and your ghost
We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pulled the tricks out of our sleeves
But I'll believe in anything and
You'll believe in anything

i am neither here nor there. i am not what you think. only what you know in your heart.

2006-03-22T06:55:06Z

I think I should aim at nothing more than ridding myself of lying, negative attitudes, trying to control how people see me, overconcern about what others think of me, dishonest expression of emotions, trying to possess that which isn't mine, false humility, lack of discipline: physically, mentally, spiritually, and of all that leaves me incapable of giving and receiving love.

put simply, being honest to each moment rather than to my ideas of myself.

I am simply attempting to master the art of losing myself in everything which I can invest myself.

i'm gonna tell you all what's what.

2006-02-28T08:21:25Z

i wish i was a robot with cameras for eyes...fueled by beer, rock and roll, and sweet loving.

good advice. the best advice.

2006-02-22T22:13:47Z

"Remember when you felt like a comet burning almost into nothing
when you were 14 and you couldn't wait to lie to your parents and listen to live music in someone's garage or at the VFW Hall
remember when you first kissed a boy and it made your thighs tingle, and you knew you'd never be the same
all those nights when the stars flooded the sky so fully that you couldn't see the darkness in between you and the sheet of fireflies in the tree-line
nothing has to change
Remember that if your heart never changes, the things you hold on to like a safety blanket or shotgun can't just slip from under you and disappear
Maybe it takes more than 14 or 15 years to realize it and that's why your first years are so full of split second decisions and fear and longing to be spontaneous and the first to discover the world outside of your home and your parents morals or values
that is what makes life worth a shit
Never lose that feeling of desperateness to live every second
Remember never to forget the midwest, because if you grew up here it's already in your lungs and your veins
its where you stole out of your house to go on walks in the summer heat at 4 am, where you went to your first real party, where you lost your virginity and that voice inside you telling you to keep your cool was eaten up by all the happiness you felt at the strangest moments
where you first lost a friend and cried so hard that the tears never really left your best friend's shoulder
Never forget to sit back sometimes or climb the trees outside of the park and watch the sky unfold in the summer
to walk through the night in the fall so you can see your breath in front of you
go sleep beside fireplaces and sled with friends and have only another body to keep you warm sometimes
Get high in backseats, make love in awkward places, go on long drives and hold your hand out the window just to let it ripple in the air
Don't fucking forget to live, that's worse than being dead. At least if you're depressed you can throw caution to the wind and do whatever you want to do"

there honestly isn't a part of me that doesn't think like this. i really think it's just immersing yourself with people who don't think that way just like... tricks you into doing it too.

i want someone who can be alive with me again. anyone who can read that and realize that it's not naive. it's real. sure, there's more shit to worry about now. but that's all it is, shit. it's not important. at least you're alive... realizing people aren't self-motivated machines, they're people and they do care about you, naturally... and no one acts on anything other than what they think is best, and if they make a bad choice, it's not because they aren't still good people. life is only as complicated as you think it is. i just want someone to hang out with again who can say that with me, so I can think i'm not crazy for believing it.

a good friend who can sit back with me and realize how much beauty is here, laugh at the comedy of the mess that is life... just be free again. i write this in a way that is completely free of any ill-feelings toward anyone in my life. i've chosen my own path and I have no regrets, no hidden motivations. i just want to appreciate everyone and hopefully teach them how to appreciate each other again in the process. if this was the summer, i'd organize a goddamn barbeque and make everyone come back to sit in the sun, take pictures, and laugh again... stare at the stars all goddamn night and drink until morning.... and hopefully realize how valuable they all are to each other. because truthfully, i have nothing but love for all of them.

p.s. - i needed to write this. because I know it isn't bullshit. and someday i'll feel shitty and come back to this, like i came back to the entry I pasted before. and i'll realize that this whole thing is beautiful and amazing and i shouldn't take it for granted. live, love those around you for who they are and let this whole thing burn stunning and bright for all it's worth while you still can.

don't feel bad, because it's always beautiful.

carved your name across my eyelids

2006-02-17T04:19:00Z

smoking cigarettes. feeling shitty. saying the wrong things while completely uncalculated. fucking up when you aren't even expecting to is the worst kind. i'm sorry. i miss the time when this wasn't a phone answering game and forgiveness came easier for ourselves and each other and when I was that close and the word honesty didn't have any meaning because it didn't need defined and when i didn't feel like you were keeping me an arms length away from you in all aspects. more than anything, i love you. it's yours to take or throw away. please don't give up on me.

Up to the ears, up to the neck
It's for the curious, it's for the hopeful
Kick in the doors, climb in the windows
It's Midnight service at the mutter museum
And I'm glad, glad that you're here
Better luck, better luck at the pull-tabs
that's what I thought too
Do you have any idea how many songs
they wrote about you
Look at the face, the shape of the skull
Leave the road, follow the path
It's midnight at the drowning pond
ANd I'm glad, glad that you're here
Better off not trying too hard, that's what I thought too
Put on your boots, put on your make-up
In the parking lot
Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen
It's midnight service at the mutter museum
And I'm glad, glad that you're here

alkaline trio...

2006-02-06T08:15:11Z

i've got alkaline trio stuck in my head. good job, dan. and you claim to like music.

i'm in dire need of physical contact or something. the loneliness is getting to me. my guitar is the only thing that spends any significant amount of time near my body.
poetic? slightly. cliche? very. sad? completely.

photography...

2006-02-02T09:48:19Z

just checked out some college photographer of the year competition stuff to see how my former classmates were holding up. apparently, my class still fucking sucks something horrible. no surprise there. but the class after mine has one of the most talented people i've ever seen. his name is matt eich and i think he's one of my new favorite photographers. won all sorts of ridiculous awards. basically the best photographer of his age in the country. maybe along with another kid who is a freshman this year named pete kiehart. anyway.... that guy is ridiculously good. must take pictures every second of his life. like... I could've taken maybe 19 out of every 20 pictures he takes if not more... but there are a few that completely blow my mind. it seriously makes me want to try just to have maybe one that is THAT good. or something.

http://digitalartwork.net/viscom/MattEich

that's totally not digitally edited. it's at dance or die and he has an off camera flash. way off camera. holy shit.

fiatcremor @ 2006-01-26T03:07:00

2006-01-26T08:13:21Z

i've got this feeling in my bones.
as cold winds carry winter snow,
the space between us holds our souls.
move a little closer, watch them glow.

this popped into my head while driving home. literally, like... i didn't think it. it just showed up. so i figured i should write it down. or type it down. whatever. don't feel like digging through my LA stuff to find my journal.

percent daily values are based on a 2000 calorie diet.

2005-12-28T10:42:47Z

i wish you were going with me so badly. it's staggering how the lyrics of so many songs that you wrote off as bullshit pop into your head whenever things get so insane that you can't understand which emotions are overflowing and why. also, this probably won't make sense because i'm drunk. is it stupid for me to wish that you were the one going with me? like... doesn't that somehow defy logic? but then again, since when was any of this logical in the first place. i love you more than anything. anything in my life. anything that exists in this world. no matter how extraordinary. places are just places. but you're unimaginably fucking amazing. always. and i don't think that i'll ever be able to show you that. or maybe i could. i just wish you'd realize it. you're magnetic. you're a fucking earthquake wrapped in a hurricane nestled in a box of tsunamis. and i wish you could trust me enough to believe me when i say it. i'll think about you. probably more times than I can count in a day. probably every time a shutter clicks. probably every time i hear music. probably every time i see something beautiful. and that's all I have to offer.

I'm a fool now that it's over
can you guess my name
I make money singin' songs about you
it's my claim to fame
When they say it's over
it's not over, there's still the pain

And I'd come runnin'
I'd come running back to you again
Oh I'd come runnin'
I'd come running back to you again

If I said I was sorry
would you still have leaved me?
I never thought you would go
'till you did
believe me
When they say it's over
it's not over completely

'Cause I'd come runnin'
I'd come running back to you again
Yes I'd come runnin'
I'd come running back to you again

I miss that girl

The show is over, and we must all go home
just leave me by myself
I'll be alright here on my own
If it's all over, it's all over
and I'm all alone

And I'd come runnin'
I'd come running back to you again
Don't you know I'd come runnin'
I'd come running back to you again

maybe this is all presumptuous, but i've never known how to take it easy with you. and i've never known how to not be uncontrollably love with you. so i'm hoping that's better than nothing. you make my rockin' world go round. i don't even know why i just typed that.

12.23.95

2005-12-25T17:32:48Z

didn't mean to leave you hanging on all alone.
merry christmas, baby.

one week...

2005-12-22T21:21:21Z

a week from now, i'll be waking up in los angeles with my camera that I haven't touched in forever, one of my best friends, and an entire city to explore. and it won't be cold. and there'll be a couple thousand miles of distance between me and what would've been a painful holiday. i hate new years eve. the only good ones i've had I've spent with erin. she loves it. hopefully it'll be a relief off her mind that i'm that far away and she can get drunk and make out or even have sex with whomever she wants, since that's what makes her happy now apparently... and I honestly don't want her to feel bad about it. and I don't want to feel like shit about her treating herself and other people like that anymore. so go fucking wild. apparently girlfriends get so entirely bored with me that they always have to do things like that when leaving a relationship with me. i mean, fuck. it's easier than trying to come to any sort of a resolution, right? life moves too fast, and is way too busy for meaningful relationships that don't exactly fit your life or treating people like people. it's easier just to fight with no regard for any opinion but your own. Throw people out the window while you're feeling narrow minded and self centered and don't look back. things got tough and you ain't got the time, so fuck it. that's what people are for. memories. me? i'd take 1 good relationship for every 50 that are based on nothing other than the fact that you're stuck in the same situation as someone else. and i'm probably weaker for it, but i don't care. and i've seen enough to realize that completely opposite feelings can live inside the same person and that no one is entirely shitty or entirely good. so really, i can forgive anyone for nearly anything. and that makes me weak. and i might not get as far in life without this ability to use people. and with this complex I have about trying to keep good people in my life. i'm still debating whether that's good or bad.

good thing you won't read this because you took me off of your friends. it'll probably save both of us some shitty feelings that we would try to ignore.

Maybe we weren't supposed to wake up today
Leaving the room only to celebrate that nothing's changed
If I was there, if you were here
The world could end, I wouldn't care
So wake me up never, please
Lock the door and lose the keys

To set the record straight - I never could relate and
just when it all went wrong, you sang a different song
Never knew someone that knew how the years had been
And I never thought that I would end up like this
So hidden, far and gone, I'm so crowded alone
And I hope you understand, you fixed my broken plan.
you fixed my broken plan.

somebody punch me in the throat.

2005-12-21T09:30:29Z

the next week = can't go fast enough. christmas = fucking stupid. seeing the cezanne and pissarro exhibit at LACMA is sounding way fucking better right now. especially when it's 70 degrees and sunny for the holidays. i think i'm going to go dream about that.

thought of this.

1. the christian omniscient, omnipresent, benevolent god exists.
2. there are many bad or evil things that happen/exist in the world.

speaking in a philosophical proof sort of way, only one of those can be true. haha.

venus de milo

2005-12-20T09:33:21Z

It was a tight torn night street, so bright,
The world was so thin between my bones and skin.
There stood another person who was a little surprised,
To be face to face with the world so alive.
How I fell (did you feel low?) no (huh?) not at all,
I fell right into the arms of Venus de Milo.

You know it's all like some new kind of drug,
My senses are sharp and my hands are like gloves.
Broadway looks so medieval, it's seen a flat edge like little pages,
And I fell sideways laughin' with a friend from many stages.
How I felt (did you feel low?) no (huh?) not at all,
I fell right into the arms of Venus de Milo.

fiatcremor @ 2005-12-18T06:12:00

2005-12-18T11:19:52Z

studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the
unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.

we stand as the manifested equivalent of three buckets of water and a handful
of minerals, thus realizing that those very buckets turned upside down
supply the percussive factor of forever.
if you must count to keep the beat then count.
find you mantra and awaken your subconscious.
curve you circles counterclockwise
use your cipher to decipher coded language, man-made laws.
climb waterfalls and trees, commune with nature, snakes and bees.
let your children name themselves and claim themselves as the new day for
today we are determined to be the channelers of these changing frequencies
into songs, paintings, writings, dance, drama, photography, carpentry,
crafts, love, and love.
we enlist every instrument. acoustic, electronic.
every so-called race, gender, and sexual preference.
every per-son as beings of sound to acknowledge their responsibility to
uplift the consciousness of the entire fucking world.

this is how life was meant to be lived...

2005-12-17T10:28:47Z

i think my heart and/or head might explode with joy at this very moment. or at least sometime in the next week and a half. right now, i'm probably happier than I've been in the past 6 months... if not much, much longer. i actually can't remember the last time I was this happy... and if I could it would probably bring me down. which I do not want. I think maybe I've listened to queen and david bowie rocking at the end of "under pressure" too many times lately. if you do that for long enough (or maybe "break free"... but it doesnt have david bowie so it's slightly lacking), you're bound to make a rash decision or two. fortunately, most of my rash decisions are also completely awesome. but, i'm betting this one will be pretty fucking hard to top, ever. this is what happens when you leave me alone with my thoughts for long enough.

i don't remember the past couple days.

2005-12-15T08:55:25Z

i can't sleep when my arms aren't wrapped around anything. i can't sleep when my heart isn't wrapped around anything.

simplified.

2005-12-14T10:07:46Z

if I stay, I'll continue hurting you being this person that isn't me and I don't even like. if I leave, you'll think I'm running. you'll be angry at me. the only thing I know is that I love you. all I want is my friend back. but it's more important that I don't hurt you or hold you back. so if I can't be there as much as I'd like to be while you're at college, then why stay with the heartache of trying. we tried. we just end up fighting and bitter and not honest and not us. and you remembering me as me is more important than trying to be immediately satisfied in a situation we can't make sense of. please don't blame me for this. i wish you could tell me what to do. i wish you would. i love you. you're the only one who can see when i'm hiding being hurt. you're the only one who says "dan, you seem depressed." and that is the hardest thing in the world to separate myself from. but i've tried moving toward it but just end up at a dead end, more tired and frustrated than before. i can't blame you anymore because i know it isn't your fault. just don't stop caring about me. i'll try. just don't let me disappear from your life completely.

feels like...

2005-12-13T10:12:26Z

i feel like a fish tossed out of water onto a dock next to the ocean. look at me struggle. i can see it. it's right there. but i've been flopping here for months. and the fishermen are yelling at me to grow legs and walk down the dock, into a foreign awkward world that isn't mine. but the ocean is there. it's warm. it's home. i love the smell of it. i love everything about it. i was there for so long. but it's the waves that knocked me up here in the first place.

time is never time at all.

2005-12-07T09:35:40Z

drinking. smoking. typing. (barely) living. not feeling a fucking thing. glad I have to wake up and work tomorrow. it feels good to know that I get to do it all over again. i fucking hate that I love stars and vinyl records and black & white photographs and good music and fall leaves and shows and road trips and sailors, pirates, cowboys, zombies, and other various important things. fucking christ I need to get out of here.

LAST

01. Last Cigarette [couple minutes ago]

02. Last Kiss [have no idea]

03. Last Cry [last night? it wasn't a full on cry but i felt the tears coming.]

04. Last Library Book Checked Out [who knows]

05. Last Movie Seen In a Theatre [DOOM at the dollar theatre. not worth 50 cents.]

06. Last Book Read [high fidelity]

07. Last Cuss Word Uttered [fuck, it's cold.]

08. Last Beverage Drank [currently or last drank? molson canadian was the last full beverage. currently a honey brown.]

09. Last Food Consumed [potato chips. heaaaaaaalthy.]

10. Last phone call recieved [paul]

11. Last TV Show Watched [don't know.]

13. Last Shoes Worn [sambas]

14. Last CD Played [television - marquee moon]

15. Last Soda Drank [coca cola classic]

16. Last Thing Written [journal]

17. Last Words Spoken [see you later. take it easy. be careful, the roads are shit.]

18. Last Sleep [this afternoon]

21. Last Ice Cream Eaten [don't know.]

22. Last Time Wanting to Die [looking at pictures a couple moments ago.]

24. Last Time Dancing [uh... maybe at oven cleaning.]

26. Last Big Car Ride [my life is a big car ride.]

27. Last Crush [don't know. probably erin blake.]

28. Last Annoyance [sobriety.]

39. Last Disappointment [hahahahahahahahaha]

30. Last Time Scolded [probably from my friends.]

32. Last Web Site Visited [pitchforkmedia.com]

NUMBER OF

01. piercings [none]

02. tattoos [eh?]

03. height [5'11"]

04. shoe size [10 1/2]

05. hair color [brown and crappy]

06. siblings [1]

LAST

01. movie you rented [dead man on campus. no. i don't know why either.]

02. movie you bought [i honestly can't remember. probably that bob dylan documentary.]

03. song you listened to? [dunno. something by thin lizzy probably]

04. song that was stuck in your head [cowboy song - thin lizzy]

05. cd you bought [don't know.]

06. cd you listened to [television - marquee moon]

07. person you've called [some douchebag college dude]

08. person that's called you [paul]

09. tv show you've watched [ still don't know. ]

10. friend you made [i have no idea. cody bartrum maybe? i don't know if that counts.]

DO

01. you have a crush on someone [nope]

02. you wish you could live somewhere else [yeah. probably going to soon.]

03. you think about suicide [all the goddamn time. especially in shopping malls and driving on US 250.]

04. you believe in online dating [just another way for slutty people to meet.]

05. others find you attractive [not in the slightest. always cute, never attractive.]

06. you want more piercings [nope.]

07. you drink [hahahahahahahaha]

08. you do drugs [sure.]

09. you smoke [quod me nutriet me destruit.]

10. you like cleaning [no. what?]

11. you like roller coasters [sure.]

12. you write in cursive or print [print. who writes in cursive? congratulations, your 2nd grade teacher loves you.]

FOR OR AGAINST

long distance relationships [retarded.]

suicide [the world is overpopulated and pretty fucking shitty, stacy and erin. that's how.]

killing people [against.]

teenage smoking [against. i need someone to give me a lung transplant later.]

doing drugs [don't care. it's your life to ruin. so I guess for.]

driving drunk [against.]

soap operas [against.]

FAVORITE

sports [soccer. hockey. sports are retarded.]

drinks [guinness, doublewhiskeycokenoice, molson export]

clothes [old man sweaters, button up short sleeves, american apparel]

movies [casablanca, taxi driver, rebel without a cause, on the waterfront, forrest gump, goodfellas, pulp fiction]

singer [frank sinatra, billie holiday]

holiday [halloween]

HAVE YOU

ever cried over a girl [my bad.]

ever cried over a boy [ryan.]

ever lied to someone [sure.]

ever been in a fist fight [yes.]

ever been arrested [no.]

WHAT

shampoo do you use [shampoo.]

shoes do you wear [adidas, puma.)

are you scared of [the rest of my life.]

NUMBER

... of times you have been in love? [hundreds if not thousands]

... of times you have had your heart broken? [what is having your heart broken, really?]

... of hearts you have broken? [god. who knows? sometimes i need to sit my self down and say "settle down, ladykiller."]

... of girls you have kissed [in all seriousness, i have no idea. it's not a high number though.]

... of boys you have kissed? [zero]

... of drugs taken illegally? [12 or so.]

... of people you would classify as true, could trust with your life type friends? [i have no idea. really.]

... of people you consider your enemies? [a few...]

... of times your name has appeared in the newspaper? [a few.]

... of scars on your body? [a lot. nothing impressive. except one on my wrist from a beer bottle cap that won't seem to go away.]

...of things in your past that you regret? [to make this concise, i'll say one and say I regret being born.]