also.... [21 Oct 2007|05:48am] i think that I've decided that siamese dream is the soundtrack to my entire life as of now. jesus. it's uncanny and amazing. maybe include a couple mellon collie tracks.... but otherwise that's pretty much it. post comment

[15 Nov 2006|08:06am] chicago is a rough city, man. post comment

[08 Jul 2006|05:25am] summer is amazing. sunny days are amazing. post comment

[30 May 2006|05:03am] i should have been a sailor. at least the drink says I should've. i thought about it the summer before I went to college. this program where you somehow get college credit and you work on like a huge sailing ship for the whole summer while going from something like boston to cuba and back or something ridiculous. like 14 sails. many masts. it would've been fucking great and beautiful. unless (until) the boat wrecked, of course. which probably would've happened. i think my life is only fit for things to be like that. i'm slowly accepting it though. fuck it. i'm going to the beach tomorrow. i need a fucking sunny day. and by that, i mean that I need to enjoy one. post comment

[01 May 2006|12:29am] push the walls open. I wanna see my memories bleed. post comment

don't bury me... i'm still not dead. [04 Apr 2006|06:24pm] somehow everything I do just ends up slapping me in the goddamn face, and i'm fucking sick of it. i'm sick of this place. i'm sick of being too honest to keep myself out of stupid situations that happen over and over again. there have been great times. there still are plenty of them. but this is getting fucking old. very fast. i wish i could get everyone in a room, and tell them "get over yourselves because you're not that fucking great. nothing is fun with you anymore. nothing is funny with you anymore. have a blast digging your own fucking miserable grave for the rest of your life or give me a call when your heart softens up again. because i can't sit around watching the people closest to me throw away selfless friendship and forgiveness and love and honesty when they're the ones that i discovered it with. you can all go down with this ship. you'll find me overboard." and I realize that we can't all be around each other as much or have as many good times as we did when we were all together. I just want everyone to stop being so fucking mean and cold, because I'm the one who gets trampled when I'm not. post comment

thingsi'vemissed:laughingdrivingtalkingtilldawnjammingasongasloudasIcanstandwhilesinging(yelling)you [29 Mar 2006|04:14am] it's good to feel alive. And I could take another hit for you And I could take away the trips from you And I could take away the salt from your eyes Take away skin and salt in you And I could give you my apologies By handing over my neologies And I could take away your shaky knees And I could give you all the olive trees And look at the trees look at my face and look at a place far away from here... So give me your eyes I need sunshine Give me your eyes I need sunshine Your blood, your bones, your voice, and your ghost We've both been very brave Walk around with both legs Fight the scary day We both pulled the tricks out of our sleeves But I'll believe in anything and You'll believe in anything post comment

i am neither here nor there. i am not what you think. only what you know in your heart. [22 Mar 2006|01:36am] I think I should aim at nothing more than ridding myself of lying, negative attitudes, trying to control how people see me, overconcern about what others think of me, dishonest expression of emotions, trying to possess that which isn't mine, false humility, lack of discipline: physically, mentally, spiritually, and of all that leaves me incapable of giving and receiving love. put simply, being honest to each moment rather than to my ideas of myself. I am simply attempting to master the art of losing myself in everything which I can invest myself. post comment

i'm gonna tell you all what's what. [28 Feb 2006|03:16am] i wish i was a robot with cameras for eyes...fueled by beer, rock and roll, and sweet loving. 1 comment|post comment

good advice. the best advice. [22 Feb 2006|04:59pm] "Remember when you felt like a comet burning almost into nothing when you were 14 and you couldn't wait to lie to your parents and listen to live music in someone's garage or at the VFW Hall remember when you first kissed a boy and it made your thighs tingle, and you knew you'd never be the same all those nights when the stars flooded the sky so fully that you couldn't see the darkness in between you and the sheet of fireflies in the tree-line nothing has to change Remember that if your heart never changes, the things you hold on to like a safety blanket or shotgun can't just slip from under you and disappear Maybe it takes more than 14 or 15 years to realize it and that's why your first years are so full of split second decisions and fear and longing to be spontaneous and the first to discover the world outside of your home and your parents morals or values that is what makes life worth a shit Never lose that feeling of desperateness to live every second Remember never to forget the midwest, because if you grew up here it's already in your lungs and your veins its where you stole out of your house to go on walks in the summer heat at 4 am, where you went to your first real party, where you lost your virginity and that voice inside you telling you to keep your cool was eaten up by all the happiness you felt at the strangest moments where you first lost a friend and cried so hard that the tears never really left your best friend's shoulder Never forget to sit back sometimes or climb the trees outside of the park and watch the sky unfold in the summer to walk through the night in the fall so you can see your breath in front of you go sleep beside fireplaces and sled with friends and have only another body to keep you warm sometimes Get high in backseats, make love in awkward places, go on long drives and hold your hand out the window just to let it ripple in the air Don't fucking forget to live, that's worse than being dead. At least if you're depressed you can throw caution to the wind and do whatever you want to do" there honestly isn't a part of me that doesn't think like this. i really think it's just immersing yourself with people who don't think that way just like... tricks you into doing it too. i want someone who can be alive with me again. anyone who can read that and realize that it's not naive. it's real. sure, there's more shit to worry about now. but that's all it is, shit. it's not important. at least you're alive... realizing people aren't self-motivated machines, they're people and they do care about you, naturally... and no one acts on anything other than what they think is best, and if they make a bad choice, it's not because they aren't still good people. life is only as complicated as you think it is. i just want someone to hang out with again who can say that with me, so I can think i'm not crazy for believing it. a good friend who can sit back with me and realize how much beauty is here, laugh at the comedy of the mess that is life... just be free again. i write this in a way that is completely free of any ill-feelings toward anyone in my life. i've chosen my own path and I have no regrets, no hidden motivations. i just want to appreciate everyone and hopefully teach them how to appreciate each other again in the process. if this was the summer, i'd organize a goddamn barbeque and make everyone come back to sit in the sun, take pictures, and laugh again... stare at the stars all goddamn night and drink until morning.... and hopefully realize how valuable they all are to each other. because truthfully, i have nothing but love for all of them. p.s. - i needed to write this. because I know it isn't bullshit. and someday i'll feel shitty and come back to this, like i came back to the entry I pasted before. and i'll realize that this whole thing is beautiful and amazing and i shouldn't take it for granted. live, love those around you for who they are and let this whole thing burn stunning and bright for all it's worth while you still can. don't feel bad, because it's always beautiful. post comment

carved your name across my eyelids [16 Feb 2006|10:59pm] smoking cigarettes. feeling shitty. saying the wrong things while completely uncalculated. fucking up when you aren't even expecting to is the worst kind. i'm sorry. i miss the time when this wasn't a phone answering game and forgiveness came easier for ourselves and each other and when I was that close and the word honesty didn't have any meaning because it didn't need defined and when i didn't feel like you were keeping me an arms length away from you in all aspects. more than anything, i love you. it's yours to take or throw away. please don't give up on me. Up to the ears, up to the neck It's for the curious, it's for the hopeful Kick in the doors, climb in the windows It's Midnight service at the mutter museum And I'm glad, glad that you're here Better luck, better luck at the pull-tabs that's what I thought too Do you have any idea how many songs they wrote about you Look at the face, the shape of the skull Leave the road, follow the path It's midnight at the drowning pond ANd I'm glad, glad that you're here Better off not trying too hard, that's what I thought too Put on your boots, put on your make-up In the parking lot Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen It's midnight service at the mutter museum And I'm glad, glad that you're here post comment

alkaline trio... [06 Feb 2006|03:04am] i've got alkaline trio stuck in my head. good job, dan. and you claim to like music. i'm in dire need of physical contact or something. the loneliness is getting to me. my guitar is the only thing that spends any significant amount of time near my body. poetic? slightly. cliche? very. sad? completely. 1 comment|post comment

photography... [02 Feb 2006|04:39am] just checked out some college photographer of the year competition stuff to see how my former classmates were holding up. apparently, my class still fucking sucks something horrible. no surprise there. but the class after mine has one of the most talented people i've ever seen. his name is matt eich and i think he's one of my new favorite photographers. won all sorts of ridiculous awards. basically the best photographer of his age in the country. maybe along with another kid who is a freshman this year named pete kiehart. anyway.... that guy is ridiculously good. must take pictures every second of his life. like... I could've taken maybe 19 out of every 20 pictures he takes if not more... but there are a few that completely blow my mind. it seriously makes me want to try just to have maybe one that is THAT good. or something. http://digitalartwork.net/viscom/MattEich that's totally not digitally edited. it's at dance or die and he has an off camera flash. way off camera. holy shit. 1 comment|post comment

[26 Jan 2006|03:07am] i've got this feeling in my bones. as cold winds carry winter snow, the space between us holds our souls. move a little closer, watch them glow. this popped into my head while driving home. literally, like... i didn't think it. it just showed up. so i figured i should write it down. or type it down. whatever. don't feel like digging through my LA stuff to find my journal. post comment

percent daily values are based on a 2000 calorie diet. [28 Dec 2005|05:19am] [ mood | good with some reservation ] [ music | alkaline trio - san francisco ] i wish you were going with me so badly. it's staggering how the lyrics of so many songs that you wrote off as bullshit pop into your head whenever things get so insane that you can't understand which emotions are overflowing and why. also, this probably won't make sense because i'm drunk. is it stupid for me to wish that you were the one going with me? like... doesn't that somehow defy logic? but then again, since when was any of this logical in the first place. i love you more than anything. anything in my life. anything that exists in this world. no matter how extraordinary. places are just places. but you're unimaginably fucking amazing. always. and i don't think that i'll ever be able to show you that. or maybe i could. i just wish you'd realize it. you're magnetic. you're a fucking earthquake wrapped in a hurricane nestled in a box of tsunamis. and i wish you could trust me enough to believe me when i say it. i'll think about you. probably more times than I can count in a day. probably every time a shutter clicks. probably every time i hear music. probably every time i see something beautiful. and that's all I have to offer. I'm a fool now that it's over can you guess my name I make money singin' songs about you it's my claim to fame When they say it's over it's not over, there's still the pain And I'd come runnin' I'd come running back to you again Oh I'd come runnin' I'd come running back to you again If I said I was sorry would you still have leaved me? I never thought you would go 'till you did believe me When they say it's over it's not over completely 'Cause I'd come runnin' I'd come running back to you again Yes I'd come runnin' I'd come running back to you again I miss that girl The show is over, and we must all go home just leave me by myself I'll be alright here on my own If it's all over, it's all over and I'm all alone And I'd come runnin' I'd come running back to you again Don't you know I'd come runnin' I'd come running back to you again maybe this is all presumptuous, but i've never known how to take it easy with you. and i've never known how to not be uncontrollably love with you. so i'm hoping that's better than nothing. you make my rockin' world go round. i don't even know why i just typed that. post comment

12.23.95 [25 Dec 2005|12:30pm] didn't mean to leave you hanging on all alone. merry christmas, baby. post comment

one week... [22 Dec 2005|03:35pm] a week from now, i'll be waking up in los angeles with my camera that I haven't touched in forever, one of my best friends, and an entire city to explore. and it won't be cold. and there'll be a couple thousand miles of distance between me and what would've been a painful holiday. i hate new years eve. the only good ones i've had I've spent with erin. she loves it. hopefully it'll be a relief off her mind that i'm that far away and she can get drunk and make out or even have sex with whomever she wants, since that's what makes her happy now apparently... and I honestly don't want her to feel bad about it. and I don't want to feel like shit about her treating herself and other people like that anymore. so go fucking wild. apparently girlfriends get so entirely bored with me that they always have to do things like that when leaving a relationship with me. i mean, fuck. it's easier than trying to come to any sort of a resolution, right? life moves too fast, and is way too busy for meaningful relationships that don't exactly fit your life or treating people like people. it's easier just to fight with no regard for any opinion but your own. Throw people out the window while you're feeling narrow minded and self centered and don't look back. things got tough and you ain't got the time, so fuck it. that's what people are for. memories. me? i'd take 1 good relationship for every 50 that are based on nothing other than the fact that you're stuck in the same situation as someone else. and i'm probably weaker for it, but i don't care. and i've seen enough to realize that completely opposite feelings can live inside the same person and that no one is entirely shitty or entirely good. so really, i can forgive anyone for nearly anything. and that makes me weak. and i might not get as far in life without this ability to use people. and with this complex I have about trying to keep good people in my life. i'm still debating whether that's good or bad. good thing you won't read this because you took me off of your friends. it'll probably save both of us some shitty feelings that we would try to ignore. Maybe we weren't supposed to wake up today Leaving the room only to celebrate that nothing's changed If I was there, if you were here The world could end, I wouldn't care So wake me up never, please Lock the door and lose the keys To set the record straight - I never could relate and just when it all went wrong, you sang a different song Never knew someone that knew how the years had been And I never thought that I would end up like this So hidden, far and gone, I'm so crowded alone And I hope you understand, you fixed my broken plan. you fixed my broken plan. 1 comment|post comment

somebody punch me in the throat. [21 Dec 2005|04:20am] the next week = can't go fast enough. christmas = fucking stupid. seeing the cezanne and pissarro exhibit at LACMA is sounding way fucking better right now. especially when it's 70 degrees and sunny for the holidays. i think i'm going to go dream about that. thought of this. 1. the christian omniscient, omnipresent, benevolent god exists. 2. there are many bad or evil things that happen/exist in the world. speaking in a philosophical proof sort of way, only one of those can be true. haha. post comment

venus de milo [20 Dec 2005|04:31am] It was a tight torn night street, so bright, The world was so thin between my bones and skin. There stood another person who was a little surprised, To be face to face with the world so alive. How I fell (did you feel low?) no (huh?) not at all, I fell right into the arms of Venus de Milo. You know it's all like some new kind of drug, My senses are sharp and my hands are like gloves. Broadway looks so medieval, it's seen a flat edge like little pages, And I fell sideways laughin' with a friend from many stages. How I felt (did you feel low?) no (huh?) not at all, I fell right into the arms of Venus de Milo. post comment

[18 Dec 2005|06:12am] studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth. we stand as the manifested equivalent of three buckets of water and a handful of minerals, thus realizing that those very buckets turned upside down supply the percussive factor of forever. if you must count to keep the beat then count. find you mantra and awaken your subconscious. curve you circles counterclockwise use your cipher to decipher coded language, man-made laws. climb waterfalls and trees, commune with nature, snakes and bees. let your children name themselves and claim themselves as the new day for today we are determined to be the channelers of these changing frequencies into songs, paintings, writings, dance, drama, photography, carpentry, crafts, love, and love. we enlist every instrument. acoustic, electronic. every so-called race, gender, and sexual preference. every per-son as beings of sound to acknowledge their responsibility to uplift the consciousness of the entire fucking world. post comment

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